lizcommotion: A hand-drawn heart around the words "You are so lovely, you know?" (lovely)
Yesterday I was talking to [personal profile] jelazakazone about Viktor Frankl and his book, Man's Search for Meaning. We talked about a lot of things like imposter syndrome and creating crafts and dis/ability and trauma/bullying and it was really a very, very good discussion. (Thanks, jelazakazone!)

Anyway, I was thinking about how I find meaning in my life. What is its purpose? I used to think that I was going to save the world, somehow; I always planned to do Peace Corps until health got in the way. Dedicate myself to others, yadda yadda, which isn't healthy unless you have really good boundaries. It's a trap our society creates and reveres. A false pedestal (but then aren't all pedestals?)

For awhile I wanted to leave my mark on the world as a historian, perhaps by writing an important paper or creating an important bit of research. Once I started immersing myself in African/African Diaspora History, I wanted people to know about injustices that happened in the "Global South", which...burned me out. Again, an unsustainable goal without really good boundaries, but really the boundary is flawed because it all rests on other people knowing...and I had all this knowledge of past injustices burning inside me but it felt like there was nothing I could do with all this energy.

Right now I think my meaning is something along the lines of "create crafts and beauty and hopefully help people stay warm in the process, and help me stay healthy/sane through my creative outlets". -ish. I'm still refining, which is part of the "search" part.

content note: f*ck yeah, healing from trauma )

So there.

lizcommotion: A photo looking up at an autumn tree canopy (autumn trees)
A poem inspired by anniversaries and autumn and EMDR and, ultimately, PTSD.

What is it about autumn light?
by [personal profile] lizcommotion

tw: PTSD/anniversaries )

This work licensed under a Creative Commons share alike attribution non commercial 3.0 unported license.
lizcommotion: Harry Potter in Gryffindor Robes holding a wand with a green glow (harry potter)
So I am going to be up-front and say that this is a tough post for me to write because powerful stuff, but it would have been much harder for me to write it two days ago before the EMDR session. I am also making this entry public because I thought that it could be interesting to a broader audience, so feel free to link here if someone you know might be interested in it - just know that I may be slow in responding to comments. In addition, I'm going to go light on some of the details to spare others who have PTSD from getting triggered who might benefit from reading this post; still, know that I'm going to talk about things related to PTSD and trauma and being a survivor.

*goes boldly onward*

tw: ptsd, being a survivor, history of sexual assault, therapy )
lizcommotion: A leather journal (well-used) (journal)
[personal profile] staranise  has posted recently about the "freeze" response (as opposed to fight/flight, it's an additional lovely part of the body's response to stressors.)

Today I got to have another experience of that firsthand - I am pretty sure - and with partner's help actually identify the trigger(s). Because I thought I was having a good day. I went to the doctor, she was awesome and encouraging and filled me with not hope, exactly, but she didn't mention terrible things and was definitely in the Figure Out What's Wrong Scientifically Face, which is very reassuring to me. Then my mom and I went to a thrift store, I tried on some clothes which took a lot of spoons, we got lunch and I actually had an appetite, came home, I fell asleep.

trigger warning: sexual assault, trauma, body's response to trauma in a weird/scary way, PTSD )

So yeah, there's an example of the freeze response in action. Serious action. I'm leaving this unlocked in case anyone else finds it helpful; also because there seems to be a general discussion right now about flight/fright/freeze and I don't mind being part of that discussion (i.e. if you want to link someone to this, you are welcome to do so; just know that I may not have spoons to comment right away).

The Plan

Jul. 29th, 2013 08:57 am
lizcommotion: a raptor silhouetted against a sunet over the beach (bird sunset)
After a night's sleep, here's my plan. I pursue the trauma-NES (non-epileptic-seizure) link with psychiatrist/therapist because it can't hurt to look (unless a rude doctorman is telling you to in a don't question my authority you are just crazy pants way), as it is suspiciously timed with the Crohn's exams bringing up all the PTSD stuff.

Also, I look and see if any of my other conditions could be causing this. Or meds. Or med interactions.

This brought to you by crying on the stairs about my assailant from 10+ years ago at midnight.

Also also as positive reinforcement for dealing with all this SHIT, I look into getting a service dog.

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lizcommotion: Lily and Chance squished in a cat pile-up on top of a cat tree (buff tabby, black cat with red collar) (Default)
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