I try to avoid hate speech of any kind on my journal. If I slip up and say something heedless of my own privilege, please tell me - in a non-flaming way. These are teachable moments, not times to whack people over the head with a newspaper.
I could list an alphabet soup of identities, but suffice it to say that( Read more... )
It is because it is really hard to get the machine and treadle at the right height for my body to not get into ergonomic hellspace
but with a needle and thread it's way easier to prop myself up on pillows and even if I am looking down somewhat, maintain basically decent posture
and thus not have hellish pain (as long as I take hand breaks)
even though machines are "faster"
also if I'm having sensory issues that day I do not have to deal with the noise of a sewing machine
I thought I would share behind-the-scenes thoughts, also because maybe it will help me work some of those out?
( cut for length )
I went to a ritual earlier this year and they were talking about names, and names you don't like attached to you. One of those, for me, was "burden". And during the meditation on this I thought, "You know, I am pretty sure Crone goddesses deal with chronic pain. How could they not? And no one fucking gets away with calling them a burden and comes out the other side unscathed. Also pretty sure no one tells the Crone in any of her many forms that she should have a better attitude."
ME: I wanted to have a psychic connection to a horse. we would be BFFs and fight evil together, probably. also once people realized we were soul-bonded, it wouldn't matter if I "owned" the horse because capitalism and concepts of ownership and property would not be able to keep us apart.
MOM: ... ... ...
ME: does that mean yes?
And I have been watching Top of the Lake (literally all the trigger warnings you can think of related to sexual assault ever), but for me that is basically what that show is except there is no TARDIS.
( TW rape culture and sexual assault, no spoilers )
( medical stuff, microaggressions from a medical provider )
probably this means I should write the magic book that I need, but lol that is literally my writing queue write now. a bunch of books I needed that didn't exist so I'm writing them. veeeery slowly.
Working on test batch number two, in which I am also making additional changes (mostly based on "ingredients I have on hand" and also "apparently I'm incapable of following exact directions in recipes AND knitting patterns"). I kind of prefer the method of "understand the fundamental principles enough that you know what to play with, and be okay with the possibility that you might not understand as much as you think and will have learned something but have to dump it in the trash whoops."
Also because once I stop following direct instructions and just start following my gut with what I think the bread/yarn/whatever needs next, I am more likely to get into flow. And flow is wonderful for a number of reasons, chief among them being I don't notice how much pain I'm in.
Anyway, this WAS just going to be a post about bread science and how the primary issue with making tasty gluten free bread is that gluten is the protein structure that makes bread stretchy and delicious. So I noticed the recipe I'm using is basically "a bunch of ways to use binding agents etc to make the bread not just fall apart once it gets out of the oven" but also you have to compensate for "it's not going to look *exactly* like bread dough because it's very very sticky".
While I was kneading the dough I in the mixer, trying to gauge when was "enough" mixing (and also enough flour, because it varies depending on humidity etc") I started to have feels. Good feels, but feels. Fair warning: apparently menopause brings ALL the feels.
I'm seeing a specialist for Ehlers Danlos Syndrome in October (FINALLY OMG) and the underlying issue with EDS is that your body doesn't manufacture collagen the same way everyone else does. Collagen is referred to as your body's "glue", so it causes systemic issues in various unexpected ways.
Anyway, basically I started looking at the gluten free bread I was trying to create and thinking "it me!" because, y'know, structural instability. I started feeling like the extra binding agents were similar to all the braces and other accessibility device I use to accommodate for my atypical collagen.
There are times when cooking is science. There are times when it is poetry (because omg I'm sure there is a poem in here, waiting). There are times when cooking is kitchen witchery.
Standing has been really hard lately, so I'm really glad to grab the moments when I have a little more cope and do some cooking. But I'll probably be looking at more "adaptive cooking methods" which will be interesting, because I'm pretty sure I usually compensate for arm/wrist issues by standing and using my whole body weight. So. Fun times.
This post is dedicated to jjhunter, who was supposed to be getting something about the alchemy of creating lentils but got this instead. Whoops?
[Note: suggestions for gluten free recipes and also cooking accommodations to try/think about are welcome on this post]
Life Hack: I changed all the alerts on my phone to bird noises. I picked non-native bird species, because lbr the corvids in my yard alone can be Quite Loud. But if my alert noise is a loon, my brain does not immediately go DUCK AND COVER.
Hopefully at some point I can live in a place where I have control over the doorbell, and we can either "accidentally" break it or replace the noise with something that does not also set off my startle response.
I offer this most excellent life hack to you, dear friends, because I know I can't be the only Autistic person with PTSD who would like to spend less time feeling like a cat with a floofed out tail.
Also, if my brain eventually decides that the phone noises I picked equal danger, there's actually a WHOLE HOST of nature sounds I can use instead of ring tones. BRILLIANT.
Does anyone have any experience with online mattress shopping, particularly the Tuft and Needle mattress vs the Leesa mattress?
I have currently slept (quite comfortably) on a Leesa mattress. The Lovely Woman from Baltimore is upgrading to a larger size and wants to make sure my body can handle whatever she orders. Benefits of the Tuft and Needle mattress -- aside from the lower price point -- include the fact that it retains less heat (& I am a living furnace, which can make everyone's lives unpleasant particularly in summer).
I generally do okay with a firmer surface and quite well on the re-stuffed foam pillows on the sofa. I think she's just worried it will be TOO firm. But also if you have any HORROR STORIES or AMAZING TESTIMONIALS those would probably be helpful too.
Thanks for any feedback!
Also there is a gender neutral toddler mod for the game if anyone else is interested.
I have been calling so many representatives lately that it has become (slightly) less terrifying and so I decided to contact my local board of representatives about a thing that has been bothering me For Awhile. Namely, that it's really unaffordable to use the local rec centers if you're on, say, disability benefits and yet while there is a very wonderful and deserving senior discount there is no discount for "disabled and poor af". (Another thing that bothers me: only one doctor has ever really acknowledged "I would love to get pool exercise, but it's too expensive" as a real thing.)
I got a response as well! Which is excite. The response was (translated from politics-speak) "huh this sounds like an idea that we would like the photo-ops and political capital from, we never thought of that. we're sending it to the correct department to see if it's in the budget and we'll blame them if we can't make it happen. but thanks for the idea!"
So, we'll see?
If you're interested in sending a similar letter to your own reps, here what I sent with space for specifics for your jurisdiction. It's US-focused since it's based on the US benefits system, but could be adapted for other countries. Places for specifics are marked with [[[parentheses]]] so you can find/replace.
( text of letter for your editing pleasure )
(i am still upset, fyi)
but now that i have finally seen it, I have a fic idea and like...goddammit brain, do you know how many writing projects we're working on? (answer: two novels and i lost count of how many fanfics and also some poetry, that's how many.)
SO I AM SHARING.
( minor spoilers for captain america: civil war, also talking about ableism )
Then I watched The 3% on Netflix, and oh man I want so much more of this show. I have ALL THE FEELS.
First off, some background on the show. Basically, it's about a society where at age 20 people go through "The Process" to decide if they're one of the 3% eligible to live among the elite who have all the resources. This is supposed to make the society fair, because everyone has a chance in this meritocracy, and no one inherits a spot on the Offshore. Mostly what it does is poke at the idea of a perfect meritocracy, and make me think many thoughts about exploitative for-profit colleges. There is also a resistance group (La Causa) working to undermine The Process.
It's a Brazilian show, so unless you speak Portuguese, subtitles are a thing. (This is actually good for me, I process shows better with close captioning or subtitles anyway. YMMV.) There's a racially diverse cast because I think they used Brazilian actors; there's an array of hair types/skin colors. Pretty sure most of the racial subtext is written for a Brazilian audience/understanding of what race means, so I only caught some of it, but it seemed well done to me. A fairly decent blend of genders (though not so much with the queer/trans rep.) ALSO there is a wheelchair user on this show and honestly most of my feels relate to Fernando.
Most shows that feature a disabled character either have them as a side-character, or someone who is inspiration porn, or maybe someone who has a magical disability and thus doesn't have to deal with most of what being disabled is like.
The 3% enters my previous list of "two TV shows and a movie" that speaks to my own experience of disability. Also FWIW I'm not currently a wheelchair user, although they would come in damn handy in museums if it were not a gazillion spoons to actually find one and if they actually had good wheelchairs not crappy for the public ones.
Anyway, the 3% is not perfect, but I'm still catching my breath from that moment of "seeing my feels onscreen".*
Spoilers ahoy (mostly for Fernando's arc).( Read more... )
Fandom: Pride and Prejudice & Related Fandoms, Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (2005), Pride and Prejudice (1995)
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Elizabeth Bennet/Female Fitzwilliam Darcy
Characters: Elizabeth Bennet, Kitty Bennet, Georgiana Darcy, Female Fitzwilliam Darcy
Additional Tags: Genderswap, Genderbending, Genderqueer, Femslash, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Light Bondage, Cunnilingus, Vaginal Fingering, Dildos, Regency, Enthusiastic Consent
"Elizabeth's heart stopped for a moment when Fitz said "rare folios," and she swore once they resolved this that she would explain to her wife, slowly, that she should have mentioned these folios when first she proposed."
Elizabeth and her wife Fitz Darcy return to Pemberley after their honeymoon. Her fear that the marriage to Fitz was a mistake seem to be confirmed when the two argue about sharing Pemberley's vast library. Will they be able to find a suitable compromise? A tender romance with a side of erotica.
A Dead Djinn in Cairo is AMAZING and I want to read all the things in this alternate universe. Supernatural mystery set in Cairo that wasn't colonized because of the introduction of magic. Fatma is the daughter of a clockmaker, a detective, and wears suits. Some queer content. Beautifully written.
A Cup of Salt Tears creepy kappa short story that is also very good. cn for kappa's being dubious about consent, and some horror elements
Political, some content notes apply
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Political, but hopeful/helpful
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Political Shirts for Sale from small creators
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on 12/4 at 7 pm EST there will be a Twitter chat for disabled writers on "resistance through writing". (note, use of word "crip" as reclamation). more info here
this is a hilarious twitter live tweet reading of a terrible book.
adorable + funny short puppy video
Stitch Maps are a new kind of knitting chart that show the shape of the fabric you are supposed to be making. Much easier for (at least) my brain. Maybe yours too?
maramcreates introduced me to Lily Allen and I've been enjoying her entire discography. In particular I think Never Gonna Happen should be the anthem for the Awkward Army. Fuck You is a good 2016 anthem. (Both youtube links have lyrics and are somewhat explicit, fyi.)
- Canonically bi character!
- Ladies kissing!
- POC include a 4,000 demigoddess and a 20-something automechanic/superhero.
- ALSO with legitimately diverse ages, not just "I've been reincarnated forever".
- Character growth/change for pretty much everyone, lots of "what are ethics here?" that don't automatically default to "well killing is the easiest way to prevent killing, let's do that"
- Appreciated moments of "hey white dude, the 50s were not a nostalgic time for people not privileged like you."
- The actor who plays Rory in Dr Who plays a "Time Master" and there is a character called Rory and actor-Rory says (paraphrased) "Why is Rory always such an idiot?"
- Did I mention that it's about using time travel to stop an immortal evil dude from committing genocide?
- I appreciate that it rejects the whole "but if we stop the genocide, worse things will happen!" approach that has been in too much of SFF
- There is going to be a crossover soon and it will involve canonically bi character and Supergirl's cast and THE SHIPS OMG
- Possibly too real right now for some people
- Some of the character backstories make more sense if you watch The Arrow/The Flash, but I'm pretty sure you could also look things up on the Arrowverse Wiki
explains origin of the safety pin symbol, context for the current controversy, and also self-defense videos (aimed at women who wear hijab, but suitable for anyone). author is a Muslim filmmaker
November 15th (i.e. tomorrow) is a global day of action protesting the Dakota Access Pipeline. Please help spread the word even if you are (like me) unsure of your spoon-related-ability to attend.
( cn: descriptions of anxiety as relates to coping with executive function )
+1 anxiety level-up, now there's a new boss to fight i guess
SO, here's some thinkythoughts and reflection, in case that helps anyone else.
but also, how does anyone get anything the fuck done? suggestions welcome, with the understanding that brains are different.
Progesterone levels are low during menses and the follicular phase and are mirrored by progesterone's main metabolite, allopregnanolone (ALLO), also a neuroactive steroid. Progesterone and ALLO increase in the luteal phase and decrease quickly around menses. This chronic exposure followed by rapid withdrawal from ovarian hormones may be a key factor in the etiology of PMDD . In a recently developed animal model of PMDD based on progesterone withdrawal, rats in withdrawal from physiological doses of progesterone exhibited social withdrawal and anhedonia, symptoms characteristic of PMDD . Indeed, preclinical research demonstrates that chronic progesterone exposure followed by rapid withdrawal is associated with increased anxiety behavior and alterations in γ-aminobutyric acid (GABA)A receptor function [12–14]. Recent work suggests that this effect may not be due to progesterone itself, but progesterone's main metabolite ALLO, as blocking progesterone conversion to ALLO blocks the aforementioned effects of progesterone .
ALLO is a potent positive allosteric modulator of the GABAA receptor, similar to alcohol or benzodiazepines, with anxiolytic, anesthetic, and sedative properties [16••]. It is possible that women with PMDD have developed tolerance to the arousal-reducing and GABA-enhancing effects of ALLO.
What is that you say about GABA?
From Pain: Hope through Research
GABA (or gamma-aminobutyric acid) is predominately an inhibitory neurotransmitter in that it generally decreases or blocks the activity of neurons. Most of what we know of its role in pain is related to its function in inhibiting spinal cord neurons from transmitting pain signals and therefore dampening pain. Chemicals that are similar to GABA have been explored as possible analgesics, but because GABA is so widespread in the nervous system it is difficult to make a GABA-like drug without affecting other nervous system functions. As we learn more about the specific roles of GABA receptors, drug development may be accelerated.
If I had all the monies I would fund a study about the link between GABA, chronic pain, and PMDD like...10 years ago. BUT ANYWAY I leave these thoughts for you my darlings, in the hopes that it may help someone.
Meanwhile a bit of my brain is still going "so, PMDD is possibly my brain suffering monthly withdrawal from its own chemicals. GREAT."